Saturday: Portland's Pretend To Be a Time Traveler Day + Pictures & Review

Portland's 2010 “Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day” is back this Saturday. Drunken Rampage (organizer) has sent a very large amount of instructions below. To fully understand, you might want to ready Bethany Moore's review from last year.

Update 9/25: They released a Time Traveler Google Map.

Related: Our Portland Events Calendar

From Bethany Moore:
Portland Time Traveler Day + PicturesReview: 2009 Portland Time Traveler Day + Pictures

It was a strange September evening in Portland on Saturday the 12th, just like any other. I found myself being led on tour around the neighborhoods of NW with a group of 25 other costumed folks, as our tour guide, Dave of DrunkenRampage.com, gave absurd and hilarious explanations about random items such as trash cans and fire hydrants, and often tying them to chemical warfare, communism, and Rush Limbaugh.

Those who attended were dressed according to some fashion in the past, or in the dystopian future. Continue reading plus pictures here on Pipeline

Portland's Pretend To Be a Time Traveler Day 2010 Info

(From PDXP: You might want to skip to bottom for instructions on how to participate)

From: Dr. Endio Thomass, Office of Temporal Control, Enforcement and Lubrication- Research Division

To: All field agents

Subject: Potential space/time rift in the 21st century, first half, North American continent.

To all field agents,

Temporal computers have analyzed the after effects of the explosion of star Santorum 581, after the recent war between Earth and Santorum 581 Beta that ended with the detonation of the now-declassified FMLFM-SBAS bomb. A shockwave of smelly, slippery matter from the explosion seems to have created several small tears in the fabric of space-time leading to a generalized gamma-type rift cluster singularity.

The perihelion of the cluster's curving trajectory as it falls into a brown hole is centered on the planet Earth in the North American Continent on the date of 423.321.b(21)-2, or using the calendar of the culture experiencing the rift, “September 25, 2010, between 6 and 10 of the clock, post-M.”

For those unfamiliar with such obscure time measurements, little knowledge of this period exists. Our textbooks say this would be a time span approximately 1/6th of a solar day, in the latter part of the sunlight period and the earlier part of the dark period at the season where the planet begins its yearly cooling cycle. Local inhabitants have not lost their primeval fear of fire, and thus spend most of the year artificially causing millions of drops of water to fall from the sky constantly at this time of year in an effort to keep the fire demons of their lore from rising up from the ground and deflowering both of their remaining virgins.

The name “September” comes from the language of the people inhabiting the continent at the time, and was the last name of their ruler, “Barrak Septembero,” according to archeologists (later renamed “Baracazar the Destroyer” after the famous bitch-slapping-an-uppittye-newspaper-reporter incident in the fall of this same year, and the follow-up combat strikes by an organization known as “Foxy Noose,” which had somehow managed to arm itself rather massively after their owner got drunk and wanted to see what happened when he hit every speed-dial button on his telephone at the same time).

“2010” is the reference to the number of years since the culture discovered the wheel, an event they marked every spring with ceremonial slaughter of a creature called the “Energizer Bunny” and the scattering of its eggs to prevent it from overpopulating. A “clock” is a primitive time-measuring device that was only capable of displaying 12 numbers at a time, and the abbreviation “PM” apparently referenced the gender of the time keeper (though modern archeologists dispute this, as the only other gender referenced by this device would be “AM,” which means the other 17 known genders would have been unaccounted for).

The time rift is erratically framed in time, but securely framed in space due to the shockwave's high frothiness. Thus, tears in time to practically every era of human life will occur, with people from most any time span being dumped into the time zone. This will present a major problem for Time Enforcement Officers. Luckily, the Time Zone's borders are very solidly defined. Our researchers have found the four boundaries of the rift, and assigned names to them that correlate to contemporary landmarks.

The borders will be:

“NW 13th Ave” – apparently some sort of agricultural zone where the local inhabitants grew their vehicles. The ground is a hard, flat dark-colored surface with the vehicles along the edges until they ripen. This technology is now lost to us, so please observe it and bring back what information you can.

“Burnside” - apparently an old fortification used to prevent people from the lesser end of town known for terrifying creatures such as “yuppies” and “charity canvassers in polo shirts” from crossing to the safe zone at the northern end of town.

“NW Park Ave (East)” – a geological fault line, entirely abandoned by the local people and overgrown with some sort of tall plantlife and small bands of roaming scavengers.

“NW Johnson St” – archive images show this to have been a long, thin zone full of vegetation and strange boxlike structures on each side.

Time Police will establish a safe house on the edge of the Time Rift Zone to provide a safe haven for those caught in the rift, ether involuntarily or those who are part of the increasingly popular illegal hobby of Artificial Time Travel. The Safe house will be disguised as a contemporary establishment named “Candy” that appears to be either a brothel or a place that produces sweet tasting snacks of the kind popular with young children of the era. Archeologists have examined the site and have come up with a third theory based on the art: The place was a nunnery, where fathers would store their 17-23 year old daughters and fill them with sugary snacks to prevent the local males from filling them with reproductive fluids. The archeologists then demanded more research money, and have never been seen again.

The safe house will provide food and intoxicating beverages to people (in this era before the invention of the Orgasm Headband, people often voluntarily consumed various toxic substances for recreational as well as mating purposes). Further safe locations will be established within the Time Rift Zone and will be marked with the universal symbol for Time Travel (see attached image in 5-D format, 4-D format and the obsolete 2-D format that is common of the technology of the era). Their location will not be disclosed and must be found through exploration.

Several rift events have been calculated and will be logged on
information devices called “paypar,” a plant-based flat information
storage device. These devices do NOT have telepathic nor
motion-sensing abilities! We are as yet unsure how loud they are, so
if your hearing is still natural, or you have not had the latest
cyberware upgrade, you may have to learn to use the visual recording
system called “reading.” Sub-ether lessons are available for a nominal
fee through your local Time Police. The paypar information will be
located at all the safe areas to be picked up.

Remember the rules:

  • You may not tell anyone you are a Time Traveler.
  • You may NOT tell anyone you are a Time Traveler!
  • You may wear the distinctive Time Traveler symbol (attached, though adhesive versions will be available for free at the safe houses, as well as sturdier versions for a nominal fee) to identify yourself to other Time Travelers.
  • If you go on a Time Tour, be sure your guide is a fully-licensed Earthologist with certification for 21st-century interaction.
  • You still may not tell anyone you are a Time Traveler.
  • To acquire food (or the “drinks” that are made of the toxic substances of the time. Be sure to bring a back-up liver module!), carry “Money” that you can pick up from your local Time Police office for a nominal fee. Give it to the humans behind the large table at the establishments that display the Time Travel symbol.
  • When you make it to a safe house and pick up the paypar, do NOT let any non-Time Travelers see it, though you may ask them directions if you have learned how to audibly communicate with them.
  • Do not leave the Time Rift Zone
  • Time Police agents may contact you. Remember: you are not allowed to disintegrate them, as they are expensive and it takes too much energy to grow new ones. The Time Police agents are good resources, as they can give you directions to contemporary landmarks, tell you when and where to expect overlapping rift events, advise you where to locate other Time Travelers or help you stay inconspicuous. They will be displaying the Time Travel Badge and mounted on a two-wheeled chassis for mobility (levitation being uncommon in this era).

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One Response to Saturday: Portland's Pretend To Be a Time Traveler Day + Pictures & Review

  1. tRmN8r March 9, 2011 at 04:17 #

    isnt there a REAL t-trekker there?

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